Consider the following… the story behind the wine…
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So your probably looking at two bottles of wine… assuming they showed up in one piece, if not your probally looking at a very red piece of paper and alot of glass shards.
Assuming your looking at two bottles of wine… let me tell you a little story about the two scribbles at the top of the bottle. The winemakers autographed your bottles… This is the story of that autograph.
So a couple of days ago (I’m writing this on a Wednesday… so lets call it Sunday) I was driving home from something (lets say a Cardinals game) And this advertisement comes up on the radio station I was listening to (lets call that KUPD) talking about a wine bottle signing at a local Whole Foods on Wed here in the East Valley. I think to myself wow that would make a great gift for someone… then I hear who the will be at the signing…
Maynard Keenan
I then think to myself, “Wow this is the perfect gift for Eve and Cody! Wine for Eve and Bottle and Picture for Cody!!” Then the advertisement says “No pictures”
Ok it’s still a pretty cool gift even with out the whole pictures thing.
Well I think so.
So Wednesday afternoon rolls around and I make my way to Whole Foods… On the way over the disc jokey on the radio chimes in multiple times “don’t take your tool stuff, don’t take anything, all your getting is a bottles of wine signed up to the number 1”. The disc jokey is a bit of a jack ass so I don’t sweat it to much.
I get in line which only takes up about half of the front of the store and notice that it’s doubled back on itself. No worries I get in line, the nice girl from Whole Foods hands me a ticket and wine list, in front me is a VERY VERY VERY pregnant woman (who I would later in the line experience find out was having contractions that morning!)
Behind me is a older woman, like 40’s older so it’s your pretty typical TOOL / APC crowd. There a couple of guys in front of the VERY VERY VERY pregnant woman who are talking about selling a PlayStation for something or another and other topics that I catch bits and pieces of. The line moves pretty quickly and everyone is very nice in the early evening coolness of what would turn out to be the coolest day yet in 2008 (both temperature and things happening).
So we finally get to the front of the line, they are letting in groups of 15 at a time to purchase the wine and then go to another section to pick up the wine. So we go into the store, purchase the wine and then I get into the next line and I’m wearing my normal jeans and black hooded sweatshirt. The nice Whole Foods girl who’s minding this line (different from the other nice Whole Foods girl) tells me that Maynard’s body guard told the staff working the event “no sweatshirts or closed jackets” this is in addition to the large jackets, bags, purses, cell phones, and camera’s” they told you about earlier. So I take off my sweatshirt and I look behind me and there is the same older woman who was behind me in line earlier I, she tells me that her mother is over at tables by the registers and will watch my sweatshirt. Sweet..
I dump the sweatshirt and get back into line.
Next line they actually give you your wine, I got a couple of bottles so I also get one of those retarded little caddies that won’t stay together to save your life for more then 10 minutes. There are probally 10 people in this line total and the next line, which leads to a dark corner that has a partition up and people are going behind and coming out of one at a time.
So we move to the next line, as we have gotten closer and closer the line has become increasingly quit I come up to the partition and what I assume to be the “bodyguard” waves me forward and directs me to stop two feet behind the partition all with out saying a word and only moving his hands. He then waves me through after the person in front of me completed their wine signing.
I place my retarded caddy of wine on table and the first gentlemen who’s looks to be in his mid 40’s looks very tanned and has grey curly hair takes a bottle signs it and passes it to Maynard. He asks me how I’m doing, where I heard about the wine signing, and how was the line experience (I’m doing very well, on the radio, and extremely positive (well except for the whole no sweatshirt thing but I don’t mention that)).
As I step over to get my retarded wine caddy Maynard looks up from his chair looking very tanned and very bald in his blue track suit (I’m not making this up) makes eye contact with me and says “Thank you, enjoy the wine” I say “Thank you, I will”
I walked away from the table and got 20 ft before I started to just giggle.
I go back to the front of the store and retrieve my sweatshirt and the woman who was behind me is right behind me. We chat for a short bit and during the course of the conversation she says “I just wanted to ask the strange little bald man “Why are you signing my wine?”” In her defense she had been to multiple TOOL concerts and I’m pretty sure she had anyway.
The only thing that would have made the experience better would have been you guys in line to experience it.
T
