It’s that time of year again… when lots and lots of snow flakes fall and we all bundle up against whatever cold has come our way.
So in the spirit of the Season, I now present to you “Letters to Santa if he answered them honestly…”
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Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I’v ben a gud boy
all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career
in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and
spell? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can
spell.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only
thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you,
didn’t they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for
Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a
screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to
come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time
to give up that dream.
Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train,
some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet
you’re gay. I’ll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the sh!ts and carrots make the
deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a
favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo
in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I
unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the a$$es of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really
know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in
whatever you do. I’m skipping your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please,
please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your
folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me.
You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house. How do
you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself “Marky”, that’s why
you’re getting your a$$ whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a
house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside
your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa